


The Unknown Truth

by TanyaReed



Category: Castle
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-14
Updated: 2012-09-14
Packaged: 2017-11-14 05:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TanyaReed/pseuds/TanyaReed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in 2010 for a last writer standing challenge.  The prompt was "which is better, a known mistake or an unknown truth".</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unknown Truth

Kate Beckett stood looking out over the sad array of faces. Many of them were familiar, but most of them were not. His family, his friends, and even some fans and the media packed the large and solemn room. As amazing as it seemed, these were just a few of the mourners. Even more waited outside of the big front doors.

In the front row, Martha and Alexis supported each other. The aging diva had just given a wonderful speech about her son, and most of those gathered were now weeping openly. Alexis was one of these, her face very young and childlike in her grief. Martha herself was dry-eyed, showing an inner core of steel as she held her granddaughter.

Kate tried to focus on them or anything that could silence the gunshots that echoed in her mind. They bounced around her skull, over and over, forcing her to see the scene that would haunt her for the rest of her life. Sleep had been elusive since it happened, and when she could actually sleep, she was jarred awake by the sound of those shots.

She still couldn't believe he was gone. It didn't seem like the world could possibly go on without a Richard Castle in it. She didn't know if her own ever could. Her heart ached for Martha and Alexis, but it ached just as much for herself. It was impossible that she'd never see him again. His smile could light up a room. He was like a sweet little boy who just wanted to make the world right. How could she face not seeing him again? He had shown her so much in the years he had been her friend, and she had never told him. She had been so afraid to tell him how much he meant to her.

How long since she'd realized that she loved him? She pondered this as Captain Montgomery sat down and a man who'd known Castle since childhood took his place. Thinking back, she realized it had been last summer when she saw him walking away with Gina. At the same time, she had known that to ever tell him would be a mistake. They would be a mistake.

As she listened to Castle's friend talk, her mind wandered to the years ahead. Where would she be in six months without Castle? A year? Five years? Her life would go on and on, and he would be gone.

He was really gone.

For the past four days, she had been wandering around in a numb fog. She hadn't cried; she hadn't screamed. She'd been waiting for Castle to come out of hiding and tell her that this had been his best joke yet. But this wasn't a joke. There was no Castle. There never would be a Castle again. Ever.

Her breath caught in her throat as her stomach rolled over. The room began to spin. Air. She needed air. The room full of people had sucked up all the oxygen, and she was going to smother.

She knew she was supposed to speak next. They expected her to sum up a life that had been both complex and contradictory in just a few short paragraphs. Leaving would expose her as weak and vulnerable. Even so, she couldn't stay there another second. If she didn't get out of there, she would keel over, right on Castle's casket. 

Kate turned quickly, blindly making her way to the back exit. Her swimming vision showed her shapes and colors, but it was all blurred.

Her face flamed because she knew they were all staring at her, but she couldn't stop. If she stopped, her lungs would burst.

It seemed to take forever to get to the door. She fumbled with it until she had almost given up on it ever opening. When it did, she stumbled outside into the warm New York sunshine. The air was tainted with smog and gasoline, but the scent was so familiar that it was almost comforting. 

Her stomach clenched and turned over again. Her hand against the side of the building supported her as she doubled over and retched. The little she had eaten violently left her body. When her stomach was empty, she retched again, bringing up bile.

When she could stand, she moved on trembling legs away from the door she'd come out of. She couldn't go back in there again. She couldn't see his motionless body or hear the constant reinforcement that he was dead.

When her legs shook too much to hold her, she gave in and let herself slide down the brick of the old building Castle himself had chosen for his service. She sat there, unable to move, thinking of what could have been.

She knew he cared for her. She knew he sometimes even wanted to love her. What would that have been like, she wondered. Would it have been the mistake she feared, or would waking up next to Castle every morning have been a glorious adventure? She would have known what his touch felt like, what his kisses tasted like. All the things she had ever wanted to know but had been afraid to find out filled her mind.

It might have been a mistake, but at least she would have known.

She would have known.


End file.
